If you have experienced even a fraction of what I have been subjected to regarding scam phone calls lately, I’m sure that your frustration and anger meters are buried at the high end. It amazes me how various government agencies are able to trace phone calls and determine their origins, but the phone company is at a loss to accomplish that task and stop it.

I’m cynical enough to think that the telephone industry is making a fortune on this type of communication. Here are just a few examples of the type of messages I have received and often had to pay for:

I got a call from my “grandson” in tears, begging me to send him money to get him out of jail. I don’t have a grandson. I received another message from the “Police Benevolent Association” requesting that I send a check to support their work. I’ve received multiple requests from “politicians,” not even representing my district, asking me to send gift cards to their campaigns. I have gotten calls from the “IRS” (Irresponsible and Repugnant Souls) telling me that I’m due a refund and that all I need do is tell them my SSN and bank account numbers. I have received urgent messages from my “grandparents” asking for monetary support. (My last grandparent died decades ago.) I have been offered refunds from “companies” I have never done business with. The list is endless.

I have “blocked” these callers, reported them to my phone company, and have even told the gang members I used to know in The Bronx about this — all to no avail.

I have finally come up with a sure-fire solution to this persistent and ubiquitous problem. My sense of moral responsibility requires me to share it with you. My wise parents used to subject me to a similar fate to teach me a lesson to refrain from annoying, obstructive, and contrary behavior. It was an effective strategy, and I should have thought of using it ages ago. The idea is to “give them a taste of their own medicine.”

Most of us have found ourselves in the position of calling a health professional, government office, utility company, or the like and have been subjected to an endless, inane recording explaining what hoops we have to jump through before being able to hopefully talk to a human being, or more likely being told to “hang up and try again later” if we hadn’t hung up already.

I have recently installed a recording on my phone that will give these scammers and organizations “a taste of their own medicine.”

It goes something like this:

“Thank you for calling me in Kathmandu, Nepal. This is costing you a fortune. If this is a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and call your mommy. Your call is very moderately important to me. You have reached my voicemail. Calls are recorded for quality assurance and will be used as evidence in your trial. I apologize for longer than normal wait times due to staffing issues and ask for your patience but would prefer that you hang up. My phone is open from 10 a.m. to 10:15 a.m. every other Monday and every third Tuesday. All agents are currently busy answering other scammers. Your call will be answered by the next available agent in the order it was received . Please listen carefully to all 37 options before making a selection as most of them have recently changed or don’t work. If you’d rather wish to be called back, please leave your number at the tone. Please recognize that due to high call volume, callback times are longer than expected and … CLICK — dial tone.”

For those of you who wish to call me about this, or any of my other columns for that matter, I’m anxiously looking forward to hearing from you, as I’m sure you have already surmised, and you too will be rewarded with my recorded “welcoming” tape.

Jonathan Kahane lives in Westhampton.