I think it’s safe to say that, having waded into the controversy surrounding the national mall reflecting pool, our own Chief Inspector Clou-less has once again plumbed his way to the depths of the issue.
Now, you’d be forgiven for thinking that painting the bottom of a largely stagnant, sunbaked pool a low albedo dark blue, further raising the temperature of the water via solar heat absorption, then refilling it from an algae and phosphate riddled tidal basin, was a really, really bad idea and made the quite common and perfectly predictable recurring algae bloom just that much more likely.
Sure, you could fall for that theory — if you believed in ridiculous, radical-left things like “science” and “biology” and “theories.” No, my fellow pool patriots, you have to look beyond the “facts” and way, way (way) beyond the “science.” Clearly, what we have here is a fiendish plot by that most notorious Antifa splinter group — Algae-Fa!
What evidence is there of that, you say? Hah! Who needs stinkin’ evidence when we have unfounded, mallard-poo crazy conspiracy theories? Somehow these dastardly Algae-Fa pool ninjas managed to evade park security and even the National Guard patrols in one of the most highly surveilled areas of our once great nation, smuggling in metric tons of fertilizer and tanker trucks of algae spores to poison our treasured, national no-swimming hole!
Even worse, employing the latest invisi-knife, partisan “boxcutter” technology, they cut a 100’, or 250’, or 300’ (depending on the day you ask our pool-boy-in-chief) slit in the bottom coating of a pool that only weeks before he proclaimed was absolutely impervious to “big knives” (and that he drove across in his 10-ton presidential limo!) thus causing the newly installed coating of this now fetid green lake to peel off in sheets!
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Isn’t it much more likely that an improper coating was hastily installed on a poorly prepared surface by an unqualified swimming pool contractor (and donor) of the resident’s personal acquaintance, a swimming pool contractor/donor who was awarded a sweetheart, “no bid” $1.8 million dollar contract that ended up ballooning to an estimated $16 million?”
Well, sure, that could have been a possibility — until you realize that that absolutely cannot be what happened, because the president spent many days extolling the expertise of, and his long business relationship with, this contractor, only to have the project that was going to last “100 years” blow up in his pumpkin-tinted face, which means (OBVI!) that that couldn’t possibly be the explanation, because that would mean that president “I Can Tell a Giraffe from a Lion Four Times in a Row!” is a hapless screw-up who doesn’t know his skimmer from a hole in his pool liner. Therefore, ergo, quid pro quo, post hoc ergo propter hoc, the only other possible explanation is — sabotage! (Dun, dun, DUN!)
No, my friends, fear not. Donnie “No more wars except for Iran, and maybe Cuba, but definitely not more than Iran and Cuba and Greenland” Trump is hot on the case and the repair of the repairs of the prior repairs will commence immediately. Once again ‘Murica will have a sparkling, algae-free genuflecting pond (for a week or two until the algae returns) to admire in no time and under budget, as long as you have a very flexible definition of the word “budget.” And “under.” After all, what could possibly go wrong? In that regard, I offer you a quote from president “I have all the best words” himself: “Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen!”
MAGA! (Make Algae Green Again!) Thank you for your attention to this matter!
Gary Greene is the author of “Poems in a Time of Grief” and “The Lonely Years.” His work has
appeared in The Montague Reporter, Witty Partition (now Cable Street), Rattle, Nine Mile Books and Literary Magazine, Oprelle Publication’s Matter Anthology, et al.